Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
