I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
