Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
