All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
