speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
