seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
