Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
