I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
