I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
