i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
