I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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