I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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