Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
