So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
