You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
