You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
