What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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