im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
