You're completely useless in the revolution.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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