I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
