Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
