69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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