nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
