Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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