I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
