There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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