just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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