you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
