The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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