it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
the day after is always just damage control
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
