My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
