You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Randomize
