you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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