so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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