I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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