i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
