I think I died a long time ago.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
