i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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