a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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