why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
