I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
