get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
