we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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