She is in my trunk
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
