it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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