I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
