shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
