he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
being pregnant is like rehab
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
