Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
