I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize