1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
