Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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