I'm jealous of your bromance
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
