I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Is it penis luge time yet?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
