hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize