i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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