where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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