what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
