mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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