my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize