She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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