Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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